omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
