i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
