my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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