I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
