I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
