I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
