i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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