he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have post one night stand depression
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
