Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just want nice things and good sex
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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