Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
