dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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