he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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