I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
