I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
