Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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