I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
