i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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