Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
