it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
