dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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