It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize