I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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