I faked an abortion last night.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
