You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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