yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
