If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just found a bag of teeth...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
