My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
