I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
