You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Randomize
