also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize