It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
