Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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