I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
They have beer where we have blood.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
