My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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