I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
