About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In other news, I just burned my penis
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
