Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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