I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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