I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
