I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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