... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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