imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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