I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
