i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
