My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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