You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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