Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
