come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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