The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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