Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
