So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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