Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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