Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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