why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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