Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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